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About Varied / Professional Core Member Jule B.27/Female/Germany Recent Activity
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It's been a long time...

Sat Feb 4, 2017, 7:59 AM
I've got demons / running 'round in my head
(Bastille - Send Them Off!)


Hello everyone!

I don't know if anyone will read this as I was absent for some time. Sorry.
My parents always said I shouldn't post everything on the Internet - but I don't think that what I'm about to tell is something to hide, it's a part of me and a big part of why I kind of abandoned deviantART for some time. And drawing in general. It's not all about explaining, but giving you a way, something, to understand me better. Maybe. I don't know. Maybe it's just me feeling better writing about it.

You don't have to read, you can always close this journal if you feel the like to do. Also: Trigger warnings for the mention of mental health related issues.
So, like the lyrics of one of my favorite songs from last year at the beginning of the journal suggest, I'm struggling with some mental problems. I always did, it's part of being an over-thinker and always-worrier and perfectionist, and for some years it started to get worse. I experienced panic attacks, anxiety, meltdowns about all possible stuff, tiredness, tenseness and a lot of more things. I always thought it was normal (at least for me), or because I had something to worry about or stress at school/uni/work etc. But last year the panic attacks and anxiety became more random, happening without any reason at all (at least nothing I could figure out), the tenseness was always there and after feeling tired and without any energy for some weeks I finally went to the doctor, who, after doing some tests on blood etc, recommended me to a neurologist, where I was finally send to a psychiatrist and got a diagnosis for feeling that out of control: Depression.
Of course I knew that a depression was not just "being sad", but I always thought sadness was a part of it. And since sadness was not any of my problems, I really never considered being depressed. But depression is so much more, as my psychiatrist told me.
For me, it seems like I was so often and long under stress (some of it self made), that my brain decreased the production of a nice little hormone called Serotonin, which causes my body to feel stressed without any stress and struggling to relax and getting energy back. Serotonin is amazing, it's not just good for the mood, it also helps the body relax (so it's kind of the opposite part of adrenaline), it is important for muscle contraction and the digestion. Which is why I was always feeling tense (=muscle contraction) and tired (=no relaxiation). Also without Serotonin your body is always in flight mode which causes tiredness and anxiety. And the tenseness could also have caused a lot of my headaches in the past years. I don't know if everything of this is exactly like I wrote, I love biology but sadly was never that good in it that I know every little detail.

So, long story short, I was diagnosed and got medication (because it seems like I'm in this spirale for more than 3 years and now my body needs help to learn that it needs more Serotonin and should produce more, what the medicine is also for). But I'm still struggling. 
I have more good days than bad days, but when before everything felt more like a row of okay-ish days, I experience the bad days much worse now, but the good days also much better. At least this is something I have to talk to my psychiatrist in the next time.

My creativity and need to draw/paint was almost gone during the last months, it always felt like I had no energy left for it. That's one of the reasons I was so inactive (the other one is feeling sad and like a failure when everyone was still creating art and you just couldn't do anything at all). Now I'm slowly trying to get back into it, with the help of coloring books (yes, don't laugh, there are nice) and a bit sketching now and then.
So hopefully I will be back in short time, at least a tiny bit. I miss it.

How have you been during the last year? Tell me, I would love to hear from you :)

Love,
Jule (Ashqtara)



deviantID

Ashqtara's Profile Picture
Ashqtara
Jule B.
Artist | Professional | Varied
Germany


Mail to: juliane.bunk@googlemail.com

Commissions - Ask Me by SweetDuke Collaborations - Friends Only by SweetDuke Trades - Friends Only by SweetDuke



Addicted to just too many tv-shows, movies, books and music.

Tools:
- Canon EOS 550D
- Nikon Coolpix S9100
- Wacom Intuos 4
- Adobe Photoshop CS5
- mechanical pen, coloured pencils, rollerball pen, watercolors, acrylics ...



Stamp: Meteora by go-avi Bright and Beautiful by sailingskyline Party Poison Stamp by Ashqtara Cheshire Cat Stamp by pixelworlds Coraline Stamp by TheLastHetaira
Avatar Stamp by DragonHeartLuver Wolverine stamp by sequelle Iron Man Stamp by mrTwisby The Dark Knight v2 by phantom The Last Unicorn by LeonaWindrider
fringe by Queer4Barbie HOUSE M.D. Stamp by Philosophical-Art Sherlock by 1stClassStamps Doctor Who 2010 Stamp by laprasking Supernatural stamp by kshapiro
Harry Potter Stamp by Kezzi-Rose Umbrella academy Stamp by nifel Zodiac Stamp 'Libra' by Sharkfold Chinese Zodiac - Snake by Sharkfold
Interests

Shoutbox

trenchmaker:icontrenchmaker:
:glomp:
Sat May 24, 2014, 10:25 AM
Creativeness:iconcreativeness:
:wave:
Sun Mar 23, 2014, 10:13 AM
trenchmaker:icontrenchmaker:
:glomp:
Sun Dec 29, 2013, 10:47 AM
flamingodancer123:iconflamingodancer123:
Thanks for joining lotr-hobbit-club!
Sun Dec 15, 2013, 2:38 AM
Ashqtara:iconashqtara:
Still no proper internet... *sigh*
Sat Dec 14, 2013, 2:43 AM
Nobody

Statistic question #1! You are... 

44%
25 deviants said 11-20 years old
33%
19 deviants said 21-30 years old
11%
6 deviants said 100-903 years old (welcome, Time Lords! :D)
7%
4 deviants said 31-40 years old
5%
3 deviants said 51-60 years old
0%
No deviants said 0-10 years old
0%
No deviants said 41-50 years old
0%
No deviants said 61-99 years old

Groups

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Comments


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:iconbirthdays:
birthdays Featured By Owner Oct 15, 2016
:woohoo: :party: :iconcakelickplz: !!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY !!! :iconcakelickplz: :party: :woohoo:

On behalf of the birthdays team, I sincerely apologize that your greeting has arrived late this year.

We hope you had an awesome day with lots of birthday fun, gifts, happiness and most definitely, lots of cake! Here's to another year!

Many well wishes and love from your friendly birthdays team :love:

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Birthdays Team
This birthday greeting was brought to you by: KoudelkaW
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:iconjasperinity:
Jasperinity Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2016
Happy birthday! :D
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:iconbirthdays:
birthdays Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2015
:woohoo: :party: :iconcakelickplz: !!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY !!! :iconcakelickplz: :party: :woohoo:

On behalf of the birthdays team, I sincerely apologize that your greeting has arrived late this year.

We hope you had an awesome day with lots of birthday fun, gifts, happiness and most definitely, lots of cake! Here's to another year!

Many well wishes and love from your friendly birthdays team :love:

---
Birthdays Team
This birthday greeting was brought to you by: KoudelkaW
Reply
:iconjasperinity:
Jasperinity Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2015
Happy birthday! :D
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:iconhearsegurl:
HearseGurl Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2015
Alles Gute zum Geburtstag! :party: :cake:
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:iconraiiha:
raiiha Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Happy birthday!Party
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:iconlintu47:
Lintu47 Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2015  Hobbyist Photographer
:iconbirthd::iconbir2::iconbir3::iconbir4:
:iconbir5::iconbir6::iconbir7::iconbir8:
:iconbir9::iconbir1::iconbir10::iconbir11:
:iconbir12::iconbir13::iconbir14::iconbir15:
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:iconoleg-bardenkov:
Oleg-Bardenkov Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2015  Professional Traditional Artist
Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!:) (Smile) 
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:iconemily-byrd:
Emily-Byrd Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you kindly for taking the time to read and favorite "Meara and the Mermaid"! It means so much to me. :hug:
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:iconmisspaperjoker:
MissPaperJoker Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2015  Professional Traditional Artist
Holy Crap, bist du durch meine Gallery gefavt? :D Freut mich, dass dir immernoch was gefällt von dem, was ich tue :)
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